Commercial an "Ace"

Rarely is something labeled “too sexy for television.” Let’s be honest, our generation is used to a level of promiscuity and sexual imagery that our parents probably would have never imagined in their day. Today, even my lovable 90-year-old Nana doesn’t even blink an eye when a scantily clad model starts gyrating in a commercial to highlight her jeans. Recently, however, a new video game advertisement starring tennis star Serena Williams was shelved after being deemed too racy.

In the 60-second commercial, the “World’s Sexiest Tennis Player” (Serena Williams) battles the “World’s Sexiest Tennis Gamer” (actress Rileah Vanderbilt). A spot for Top Spin 4, a console video game by developer 2K sports, the ad features groaning, moaning, a lot of body shots, oh, and a little tennis playing too. Williams has always been noticed for her voluptuous and toned figure, but many thought the numerous cleavage and rear shots were just too much.

After Vanderbilt leaked the video via Twitter, 2K Sports pulled the ad, releasing a statement that “As part of the process for creating marketing campaigns to support our titles, we pursue a variety of creative avenues. This video is not part of the title’s final marketing campaign and its distribution was unauthorized.”

Despite the company distancing itself from the commercial, we all know that once something is put on the Internet, it’s there forever. Add a little controversy, and you can ensure that it will get millions of views purely out of curiosity. Plus, with Williams’ latest health emergencies, she has attracted quite a bit of publicity. Therefore, one could argue that the commercial was still a success: plenty of attention drawn to the game, without the company hurting it’s image, as it was not an official part of their campaign. Plus, the sexiness of the ad surely appealed to the main players of video games: men. 

Excellent Elevator Ads

For me, one of the coolest forms of advertising is guerilla marketing campaigns. They’re usually the most creative and most interesting to look at, and figure out ways to catch people’s attention in an innovative fashion. One of the best examples of guerilla marketing is elevator advertisements. People usually use elevators in mundane and everyday situations, such as in a work building or apartment complex. Thus, adding something different to people’s routine allows advertisers to brighten their consumers’ day, while sending a clear message. Here are some of the best elevator advertisements:

This ad isn’t for the squeamish!

Anyone who is claustrophobic or fears getting caught in an elevator would no doubt be motivated to get in shape after seeing this.

Playing on one of the big fears of businessmen everywhere!

“Becel: Take action. Love your heart.” This elevator advertisement mocks the elevator itself and encourages people to get healthy!

I have to admit, this ad for a Divorce Lawyer is a little sad. But I guess it shows how a couple really splits.

Selling Out or Buying In?

In the trailer for Morgan Spurlock’s new movie, he asks an expert, “Where should I go where there is no adverting?” The man’s answer: “To sleep.” A poignant moment, it displays a truth of our society today: advertising is everywhere, and it is unavoidable, even in movies. This is the basis for the award-winning filmmaker’s new documentary, “Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.” While it is not as stomach-churning as Spurlock’s previous hit “Supersize Me,” it is nonetheless just as intriguing. He explores the world of product placement, marketing, and advertising, while attempting to find brands who will finance the movie. Cameras follow Spurlock as he meets with executives of different brands, trying to get them to finance his project.

In short, this is a movie about making a movie. It is financed entirely through product placement. As Spurlock describes, the goal for the movie is transparency, an attempt to show movie watchers all the work that goes behind subtly manipulating them with carefully placed products and brand logos. As the title of the film suggests, Spurlock is indeed successful in his conquest to find companies to sponsor his work, including Pom Wonderful, Old Navy, Petland, Jet Blue, and Hyatt. Spurlock showed this off when he arrived at his movie premiere with a suit with all of the different logos patched onto it. 

“Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold” is an innovative look at one of the little-considered aspects of advertising today: product placement and other subtle forms of exposure that are intended to unconsciously influence the mind of the customer. As usual, Spurlock uses humor and satire to get his point across. While the movie has not yet come out (it comes to theaters on April 22), I think that one of the main things that viewers should get from it is that advertising is everywhere and that we should constantly be aware of it all around us, in many different forms.

Is product placement a bad thing? One could argue that directors sell out when they allow companies to influence work that should be artistic. On the other hand, one could argue that product placement is harmless and allows movie makers to raise much-needed money, which allows them to make movies even better. While there are many arguments for both sides of the issue, I find the debate to be irrelevant. Whether we like it or not, the fact is that product placement has been around for a while and doesn’t show any signs of disappearing any time soon. I think the importance of Spurlock bringing light to this issue is that we can not keep ourselves from being manipulated unless we are aware that we are being manipulated. Ok, so a can of Diet Coke next to Carrie Bradshaw while she types on her laptop making us thirsty all of a sudden isn’t the end of the world. But what about the more important stuff? Just because moviemakers sell out, doesn’t mean we have to buy in.

To find out more about the movie and if it's coming to a theatre near you, visit: "Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold"

The Mayonnaise Dividing America

Every commercial we watch usually does nothing but extoll the benefits of the product it is trying to sell, making it seem as if all our problems can be solved if we just open up our hearts (or wallets) to the latest sugary cereal, dating website, or nutritional supplement. It makes sense: advertising is intended to make people realize how much they will love a certain product or service. Knowing this makes Miracle Whip’s latest commercials ever more surprising. The premise? Miracle Whip is a polarizing product: people either hate it or love it. Which one are you?

The video ends with: “Are you Miracle Whip? Get a taste and Decide”. These commercials are ingenious. Somehow, even with people talking about how much they dislike the condiment, I wanted to go to the store and buy it to see which side I was on. Now, whenever anyone ever complains about the product, consumers will simply put them in the "hate it" category, and not view their opinion as a reflection of the brand itself. 


They also make the statement that Miracle Whip is “a little loud” and “a little tangy,” demonstrating that it is not just an ordinary mayonnaise. The commercial itself is a little loud, with people using humor to describe just how much they hate Miracle Whip. My favorite line? "It's like a lotion sandwich...who wants to eat a lotion sandwich?" I’m not sure if I’m Miracle Whip or not, but considering Pauly D doesn’t like it and apparently won't date a girl who does, I can take an educated guess....Are you Miracle Whip?

Spokesdancer of the Year

Ok, so I’m not exactly sure if this qualifies as advertising, but I do know that it lends itself to wayyy too many comments about glittery 80’s t-shirts and short shorts to not be included in this blog. While my exposure to Richard Simmons is limited to his brief cameo in Nutty Professor, Air New Zealand travelers will be seeing much more of the flamboyant exercise star. The airline just came out with this safety video featuring a team of aerobic dancers and way too many headbands to keep count.

I have to give Air New Zealand credit: how many of us really pay attention when the safety procedures are discussed before the flight? It’s more likely that we’re trying to get that last text off on our cell phone while trying to ignore the obnoxious crying baby behind us than that we’re listening to information that could actually save our lives. This video is able to draw attention to something truly important in a unique and humorous way. Ok, so people that have a terrible fear of flying might not be amused. But, for the 99% of us who just hate the cramped space and constant ear-popping, this video would be a welcome distraction. Who knows, it might even inspire someone to exercise once they get off the plane!

This Comes From Awesome Advertisers

Admittedly, I’m not the most environmentally-friendly person. I mean, it’s not like I’m walking around campus emptying bottles of hairspray or throwing trash on the ground, but I haven’t put as much effort as I probably should into the whole “green” thing. However, this latest example of marketing changed my perception on this a little bit.

The subject of this blog begins in a bathroom. Yes, a bathroom. Don’t worry, it’s nothing gross (although with three brothers I could probably come up with a story or two). After washing my hands in a Marquette bathroom, I went to go get a paper towel to dry them. On the towel-dispensing machine was a sticker that read: “Remember: These Come From Trees”. Underneath this message read: “This sticker will save up to 100 lbs. of paper every year. Help spread the word. Get yours at: TheseComeFromTrees.com”. 

Immediately I thought: “What a smart way to spread a message.” The stickers, dedicated to helping the environment through the saving of paper, were located at one of the roots of the problem: people taking too many paper towels after washing their hands. Plus, the stickers are asking people to do something relatively easy, as often we take too many paper towels not because we need them, but just because we don’t think about it. This campaign makes people think about it at the exact time that they need to be, without being too pushy.

Visiting the website for this environmental campaign makes it even more impressive (These Come From Trees). The header reads: “Welcome to the world’s first guerrilla public service announcement! An experiment in environmentalism, viral marketing, and user interface design with the goal of reducing consumer waste paper!” With tons of information, an impressive Facebook following, the cheap price of the stickers, and the undeniably awesome results, this advertising campaign makes even people like me want to make the environmentally friendly decision. Visit the website and look at all of the blogs documenting the progress of the stickers!

Friday Flashback

It’s the second Friday of Lent and as I sit behind my laptop I can’t help but reflect on the important parts of this special season.....prayer, repentance, alms-giving, and quality fish advertising. It comes as no surprise that during these 40 days, restaurants and fast-food companies work hard to appeal to the pious side of their Catholic customers, highlighting their seafood options and deals for fish, on Fridays in particular. So for this week’s Friday Flashback, I can’t think of any better example of Lenten advertising in the past to highlight than McDonald’s “Filet-O-Fish” commercial.

Premiering in 2009, this advertisement’s strength rests in it’s simplicity: “Frankie the Fish,” a mechanized version of Big Mouth Billy Bass, hangs mounted on a wall plaque in a very plain-looking garage, singing the short diddy: “Give me back that Filet-O-Fish” over and over again. Meanwhile, two friends eat the sandwich and watch the fish without saying a word.

It’s amazing how such a simple commercial can have such a great effect on customers. The advertisement led to an increase in sales, inspired a Facebook fan page with more than 40,000 members, increased online searches for the sandwich at Google by 100% in the subsequent four weeks that it aired, and even led to mounted “Frankie’s” that sung the jingle being sold in stores.

During this Lenten season, businesses can learn a lesson from McDonald’s popular fish sandwich campaign: keep it catchy and simple. After that, when it comes to their customers, all businesses have to do is have a little faith.

#HappyBirthday

Happy Birthday Twitter! As Twitter celebrates its 5th anniversary, FunnyorDie.com just came out with this hilarious video about Twitter's brief past. While it is more than 140 characters, the video includes celebs such as Soulja Boy and Perez Hilton. This is not necessarily an advertisement, but I felt compelled to include it in this blog because of the social medium's undeniably huge influence on advertising today. True, Twitter is often abused, with followers having to hear about the meatball sandwich someone ate for lunch, or the hangnail that they've been dealing with all day. But, when Twitter is used well, it can help with a brand's image and make people aware of a new product or service. That's why people like Kim Kardashian-whose fame may not be questionable even though her talent is-reportedly get paid up to $10,000 for tweeting about a company's product! Will Twitter fade away with the emo punk rockers of MySpace? This is yet to be seen. However, for now, Twitter should enjoy it's birthday and keep on rocking those @ symbols!

Quacking and Tweeting

In advertising news, Gilbert Gottfried was just fired by Aflac from his job as the voice of the iconic duck in their commercials. This comes after he made a series of Tweets about the tragedy in Japan that I’m sure he found to be very funny, while nobody else did. Among the “hilarious” tweets that Gottfried sent out over the weekend: “I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, ‘They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.’” The dozen or so tweets, all making light of the recent horrific events in Japan, did not sit well with Twitter followers, news analysts, or Aflac.

The giant insurance company released a statement saying, “Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac...Aflac will immediately set plans in motion to conduct a nationwide casting call to find a new voice of the iconic Aflac Duck.” While I usually find media and public outrage to be misplaced (with people getting worked up over the slightest comment or implication unnecessarily), even I found Gottfried’s comments to be offensive and insensitive, and I think Aflac handled this situation perfectly.

Gottfried’s firing reinforces the importance of brand image in today’s marketplace. Did Gottfried’s comments have any direct effect on Aflac’s financial status or the products and services it provides? No. However, his snide remarks would have surely cost the company a lot of business from the outraged, and severely tarnished the brand’s image. Aflac is an insurance company, and one whose tag line reads: “We’ve got you under our wing.” Their company stands for safety and providing comfort in times of trouble. Therefore, nothing could be worse for Aflac than to be seen as making light of a crisis such as a tsunami, or the exact type of situation that they are supposed to help their customers in case of. Oh, and according to reports, Aflac does 75% of its business with Japan. 

In firing Gottfried, Aflac not only protected their brand image by disassociating themselves with such controversy, but also showed that they are responsive to their customers. In addition, their future nationwide casting call to find a new voice for the Duck presents an opportunity for an awesome PR and advertising campaign. 

Thoughts and prayers are with those in Japan.

Using Hands to Save a Life

In the middle of all of the flashy and grab-your-attention type of commercials out there, I absolutely loved this PSA done by the American Heart Association. It certainly stands out for how simple it is, as well as the beauty of the hand movements with the classical music in the background. As the person signs in the PSA, hands can do amazing things, and this was certainly the perfect way to show it. 

I’ve also become quite interested in the follow-up advertising of commercials, specifically the websites that companies suggest that you go to. In this case, the American Heart Association’s website (Hands Only CPR) definitely enhances the message, especially by making the site interactive. Not only do they include this video and repeat the steps for hands-only CPR, but they also encourage visitors to “Create your own Hands Symphony,” which can be done to dance, hip-hop, OR latin music! This is a great example of advertising: the PSA grabs your attention, and the website includes activities to further promote their message. Hands can do amazing things, and so can the minds of smart advertisers. 

The Power of Print

Getting a tonsillectomy during spring break was not the brightest idea I have ever had. However, I have been able to cope with the fact that I am stuck in a bed, while my peers frolic on beaches and make generally bad decisions, by consoling myself with a few key items: Buckeye Blitz ice cream (if you’ve never heard of it, go buy some!), my adorable puggle Jack, trashy reality television, and an unlimited supply of magazines. 

Yes, magazines. The perfect reading items to flip through when killing time or wishing to read something that doesn’t require too much effort. Oh, and the advertisements-with their glossy photos and occasionally sweet-smelling scratch-and-sniffs- are even fun to look at. Recently, in between reading about Charlie Sheen’s latest antics and learning how to perfect a poof like Snookie’s, I came upon an interesting advertisement in a magazine....for magazines.

The ad caused me to look up just who was behind it. Starting last year, the leaders of 5 major magazines (including Cathie Black from Hearst Magazines and Jack Griffin from Meredith Corporation) joined together to promote a campaign entitled: “Magazines: The Power of Print.” 

While they created a video to introduce this project, the campaign has mainly consisted of page ads like the one that I saw in People. The purpose? To give consumers, and advertisers, faith in the power of magazines and dispel the myth that it is a dying medium. The ads do this not only through engaging language, but through actual statistics, such as that the average readers spends 43 minutes reading a magazine. This kind of information is undoubtedly intriguing for advertisers who may wonder if the investment in print advertising is still worth it. “The Power of Print” campaign proves that it is, while getting readers excited about their product. The prominent magazine publishers have followed a great rule: Stick to what you do best. By keeping the campaign in their medium, they prove just how strong magazines can be.

2183

As I sat on the tenth floor of Straz during the week of midterms, huddled in one of the common room chairs with my daunting amount of homework and assignments spread before me, I longingly looked outside and down at Wisconsin Avenue. Suddenly, something caught my eye. A truck shaped like a billboard, sticking out in red, drove past the building. It’s shape was different than other vehicles driving down the street, however it was more the message printed on the truck that caught my attention. An electronic counter with the number “2008” was clearly displayed, and underneath it the text read: “Americans Murdered With Guns Since Tucson,” and below that a link for the cause: “FixGunChecks.Org.” 

As my laptop was conveniently sitting in front of me, I immediately logged on to the website address on the truck. It turns out, the advertising campaign is being run by “Mayors Against Illegal Guns,” a group dedicated to “Keeping Guns Out of the Hands of Dangerous People,” and thus preventing senseless shootings. As soon as you log onto the website (Fix Gun Checks), you are able to “Read the Latest Updates from The Road,” including articles from wherever the truck was last (it plans on driving through 25 states) and the attempts being made by politicians in that particular location to fight the cause. With a continuous electronic counter, a petition for supporters to sign, a link to “Donate Now,” interactive videos, and more, I found this to be an innovative and awesome advertising campaign for a very important issue, especially in America today.

Some might question whether or not Mayors Against Illegal Guns is exploiting the terrible tragedy that occurred in Arizona just a few months ago. However, I would have to disagree with these people: this coalition is merely highlighting an event that all Americans remember and relate to in order to help stop the forces that caused such a tragedy in the first place. As I watched the truck drive by, I realized that it was a perfect example of how smart advertising can support a good cause and draw attention to the things that really matter.

NOTE: At the time of this posting, 2183 was the amount of Americans murdered with guns since Tucson. 

The "Queen of All Advertising"

Considering my policy of openness and honesty even regarding the more embarrassing aspects of my life in this blog so far, I must make another disclosure: I am addicted to Perez Hilton. Having given up Facebook in order to stop procrastinating, I decided to start browsing Perez Hilton every day in order to start procrastinating. However, people can say what they want about the flamboyant blogger who draws inappropriate images in white paint on celebrity’s faces. The fact is, the “Queen of all Media” is quickly becoming the “Queen of all Advertising.”

This has hit me over the past couple weeks, as Perez continues to feature more television shows, movies, clothing lines, and a variety of other things each day on his website. Go to the site’s “Advertising” section and Perez not only includes a section about himself, but depictions of his massive audience by age, gender, and education level. More importantly, for future customers, “display opportunities,” “video opportunities,” and “mobile opportunities” are listed. And with Perez’s growing popularity, it’s not surprising that many advertisers seem to be jumping at these chances.

Take today’s feature, for example. TLC’s show “Sister Wives,” premiering this Sunday at 9/8 central, has a “skin” in the background of the page, featuring the logo for the show, as well as pictures of the Nevada polygamist and his four spouses. If clicked on, this skin links to the show’s website. In addition, one can click on a “Meet the Family” text to learn more about each member. The header reads “Sister Wives on TLC” and in between posts about celebrities is a chat-room forum where you can tweet what you think what the best part of having a sister wife would be. Scrolling down Perez’s page slowly and reading each story, as his visitors do when they come to his site, it is impossible not to have the television show or whatever else has paid to advertise engrained in your mind. In addition, his audience is clearly defined, and the young people who enjoy fashion and celebrity lifestyles are primary targets for many advertisers.

Perez Hilton has made an empire founded on his bluntness and love of celebrity culture. While his main venture continues to be the site bearing his name, he has also sprung from this sites about such things as fashion (Coco Perez), health (Fit Perez) and even his dog (Teddy Perez). No matter how many of my favorite celebrities he bashes (leave Amy Winehouse alone!), I have to admit that he definitely deserves the title of the “Queen of All Advertising.” Wear your crown proudly, bb.

Whoopi's Playful Poise

If you’re like me, you’re starting to get pretty tired of celebrity advertisements, particularly television commercials for beauty products starring the likes of Jessica Biel, or Halle Berry, or Eva Longoria. Ok, I get it, you’re impossibly beautiful, with smoldering eyes that intense close-ups only make even more smoldering, and flawless skin that manipulative lighting portrays as covered with some sort of angel dust. And I don’t care how many $15 mascaras or lip glosses with names like “Seductive Rose” I buy, there’s no way I’m going to look like that, and these commercials do nothing to convince me of this. Ok, enough with the rant. The point is, most celebrities endorse only products that increase their image of glamour and beauty. That’s why it was so refreshing to see Whoopi Goldberg’s new commercial for the product Poise, adult diapers made by Kimberly-Clark.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must make it clear that this is not a product that I yet require. I repeat: I do not wear diapers. However, the embarrassing fact for many older women today is that they do. Putting myself in their shoes, or in their diapers (sorry, bad joke), I’m sure it’s pretty uncomfortable to see any sort of advertisement that deals with bladder control. However, by using Whoopi Goldberg, a prominent celebrity, and, more importantly, her humor, Poise effectively put out an advertising campaign that made the problem that their product relieves just a little less uncomfortable. A funny and relatable commercial, Whoopi Goldberg’s advertising just made adding Poise diapers to their shopping carts just a little less embarrassing for the many women who will buy them.

No Such Thing As Bad Publicity?

If there was ever a campaign that challenged this idea, it’s the recent PR stunt by the game developer THQ and the storefront GameStop which, as Fox News put it, “had California’s greenest seeing red--literally.” The company, attempting to publicize its forthcoming video game Homefront, released thousands of red balloons into the air in California. In the video game, the United States is invaded by troops from North Korea, and the release of the balloons was meant to stimulate a method used by South Korea to send messages of hope to North Korea. It was directly preceded by a staged mock lunchtime rally at Yerba Buena Gardens where the game’s supporters were encouraged by the company to “take to the streets to demonstrate against the North Korean regime and the treatment of its citizens.” An interactive rally combined with the amazing visual of 10,000 red balloons being released into the California sky all at once? Not a bad bid for publicity right?

Well, in theory, it was a very good idea. That is, until wind and rain caused all of the balloons to land in the San Francisco Bay, just blocks away from the launch, angering environmentalists and causing a rush of criticism for the game developer. Enraged environmentalists took to social media sites like Twitter and Facebook to rip the stunt apart and demand an apology. How did Homefront handle this?

Well, the Gamestop company immediately released a statement claiming that the balloons “were made from a 100% organic product and are 100% biodegradable.” While adamantly stating that the release would cause no harm to the environment, they nonetheless informed the angry public that they would be hiring a clean-up crew just in case. Not a bad reaction from the company. In my opinion, a wonderful example of PR. But was the damage already done?

While others may not agree with me, “no publicity is bad publicity” truly does apply here. I, for one, would never have heard of Homefront if not for this public debacle. Although I am not the target demographic (spending hours huddled in a dark room while chugging down pop and eating some Cocoa Puffs is not exactly my thing), I’m sure this reached some buyers of video games who wouldn’t have heard of it otherwise. And let’s be honest, video game users are probably not the most environmentally conscious. I know my little brother probably cares more about his level in Donkey Kong than possible balloon pollution in the ocean. Plus, the visual of thousands of red balloons in the San Francisco Bay is pretty darn cool.  

Abandoning Happy Meals and "Eating Fresh"

Well, the inevitable has happened. The Golden Arches of glory have finally been defeated by none other than the.....Five Dollar Foot Long? Well, okay, so maybe Subway doesn’t have the same kind of iconic symbol, but nonetheless the sandwich chain has just surpassed McDonald’s for the number of restaurants it has opened around the world. The difference between the two restaurant chains is hardly staggering: Subway has 33,749 locations in 95 countries, compared to McDonald’s 32,737 outposts worldwide. However, McDonald’s has been the dominant fastfood chain almost since it began in 1940, prompting us to ask what exactly led to its demise (okay, so maybe “demise” is a little melodramatic of a term, considering its still a billion dollar company, but for the purposes of making this blog post a little more exciting, I’ll keep it). In my opinion, Subway was able to beat out this giant through one thing only: superb advertising.

Let’s face it, America’s waistline has expanded in the past couple decades....considerably. And from my own experience, it’s hard to buy that double cheeseburger and experience the same kind of satisfaction when I’ve just come back from a shopping disaster involving multiple fights with my mom about what’s “too tight” and maybe even a few tears. That’s where Subway comes in. Adopting an “eat fresh” slogan, Subway began to fill the niche of “healthy” fast food, or at least cheap food that makes us feel like we’re cutting calories. Cue the lovable Jared, extolling the benefits of “the Subway diet” and showing off an impressive weight loss, and healthy-seeking Americans were hooked.

And then there are the “Five Dollar Foot Long” commercials, with their catchy and yet almost annoyingly simple jingle. Impossible to forget, often impossible to get out of your head for at least a couple hours after hearing it, Subway’s ads were able to spread the message of the sandwich’s cheapness. Combined with its brand image of health and freshness, Subway was bound to grow to its current level of power and status. In truth, eating a footlong meatball sub with ranch dressing and plenty of cheese, plus a few other toppings, is probably not much better than having that Big Mac. But Subway has so strongly created an image of being the healthy fast food chain that it can make us feel like no matter what we order, it’s better than what we could have gotten anywhere else, including McDonald’s. 

In the days of increasing obesity and people searching for any solution to make their kids, and themselves, a little healthier, Subway has successfully carved out its niche through brilliant advertising. I have to admit, it makes me a little sad. I remember the days when a million cars would be in line at a McDonald’s drive-through, as the kids in the car (including my brothers and I) waited impatiently in the car for our Happy Meals and, most importantly, the tiny Beanie Babies that came with them. I’ve even spent a birthday party or two racing through the colorful playgrounds and pelting plastic balls back and forth at my brothers (inevitably ending in a fight). However, when I’m next hoping to fit into a certain formal dress, you can count on the fact that you’ll be much more likely to find me in the Subway drive-through, and not under the classic Golden Arches.